A Daughter’s Grief

I can picture you now, flying busy with your various angel activities, I hope that whenever you look down you don’t remember the pain

I never could believe in heaven until you died, now I’m convinced there must be a place where all the good souls go to rest. I see you in the clouds, in every beautiful sunset, in the birdsong through the woods, every good deed on earth has your name on it, and I can only hope to be as honorable, generous, loving and kind as you were, as we all remember you

I hope in some way you can’t see what’s happening down here on earth with all of us, I wouldn’t ever want you to feel disappointed, betrayed. I know how much you trusted in the good in people, and I know how much people loved to take advantage of that 

I hope you got to the lake of your dreams, with your magic fishing rod, your magic cap and your magic heart, I hope you get to experience every beautiful thing you wanted to but didn’t get the time, I need to believe that you will, and that you are, still. Sometimes it doesn’t seem fair that I get to be happy, that I have plans, that I have youth, that I waste it…

I can’t escape the feeling that something has gone so irrevocably wrong. That we have all messed up, that we deserve all the guilt and to never be rid of the grief because the most special person has left us, when there was still so much love to give, so much laughter to share, so many stories that I’ll never be able to tell you about

It feels like nothing good will or should ever happen again, now that the special flame of life has gone out, I am conditioned to live in the cold, damp dark

I will always be thankful for all the days we spent together, I have enormous love and gratitude for the little things, for the times you were not alone, for all the monumentally special and uneventful moments we got to share, for every cup of tea, every slice of cake

You built me a heaven on earth, nothing will ever be able to compare with the love, the sacrifice, the compassion, and the wit that ran through your veins

Rest easy, my dad, my hero, I carry you deep within me, I am proud of you and amazed by you and will always be a student of your life